“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

Elijah Haig and all the other members of his clan were worried when the participants in the Varmint County Bicentennial Flotilla finally returned from their journey to New Orleans.

“I hope all this celebrity nonsense don’t go to Granny’s head,” Elijah told Doc Filstrup during his annual check-up and scolding session. “That old bird is hard enough to live with as it is, without her getting the big head and all.”

Elijah’s concerns were a result of Granny having become an instant celebrity when she visited the Grand Ole Opry, got carried away during a lively fiddle tune and commenced to clogging in the aisle.

Country Music legend George Straight brought Granny up on stage where he declared her the oldest person to ever perform at the Opry, and from that point on, Granny was hounded by reporters and fans whenever the Flotilla made landfall.

Eager to see what sort of place could produce a character like Granny Haig, half of the Opry regulars visited Varmint County for the annual July 4th hoe-down, potluck and free-for-all between Haigs and Hockmeyers. Declaring that the Opry should do a show sometime from Haig Hollow.

“Not gonna happen,” Elijah told Doc. “We Haigs spent over a hunnert years keeping revenooers and other people away from Haig Hollow. We shore ain’t gonna invite the whole world in now, even for the Grand Ole Opry.”

One positive thing did happen, from Elijah’s viewpoint, as a result of all the hoopla surrounding Granny. The Haigs finally solved the riddle of Granny’s age.

She told the Opry crowd that she remembered President Grover Cleveland, which would have put her at nearly 125 years old. That was unlikely, as most Haigs had estimated Granny to be somewhere between 95 and not a day older than 110.

As it turns out, Granny remembered Grover Cleveland because her mother had been so taken by Cleveland’s young bride, the only First Lady to be married to a sitting President, that she named her daughter Frances, after Frances Folsom Cleveland. Granny, however, was born sometime after the Clevelands left the White House.

Granny’s new-found celebrity set off a flurry of research, however, as the ladies of the Varmint County Historical and Genealogical Society & Sewing Circle became determined to document the true age of the county’s presumably oldest citizen.

The Haig family Bible was the only document that listed the birth, the necessity for birth certificates having not reached as far as Haig Hollow in those early days. Unfortunately, Penelope Haig had failed to list a year in her entry, simply writing, “September 14 – My sweet little daughter Frances was borned today. I named her after the former First Lady.”

Finally, Fluvia Pinetar discovered an entry in a diary belonging to Mama Caparetti, one of the Italian immigrants who moved into the Stinking Creek area shortly before the turn of the century to mine coal. The entry was also undated but noted, in Italian, “Our son Carlo was born last week. I run into the Haig woman at the market and she told me she had given birth to a daughter the same day as well, named Frances. What a shame these two babies should be born on such a sad day, when our brave President succumbed to his wounds and died. I hope this is not a bad omen for their lives.”

Of course the only President to succumb to wounds and die from an assassin’s bullets around this time was William McKinley, on September 14, 1901. At last the riddle was solved, the ladies of the VCHGS&SC announced that Granny Frances Haig was in fact born on September 14, 1901 and would shortly be observing her 112th birthday!

“What do you reckon accounts for Granny living such a long life and still being so spry?” Doc Filstrup asked Elijah as he checked the old man’s blood pressure.

“Well, it could be that half ounce of Haig whiskey she takes each day to fortify her blood. Granny’s drunk enuff of our corn liquor to pickle all her body parts, kinda like preserving something in pure grain alcohol,” Elijah mused.

“Nope. That by itself don’t make sense, Elijah. The Haig menfolk drink a lot more corn liquor than Granny,” Doc obliged. “You’ve outlived most of ’em and you’re only 78.”

“Truth is, Doc, most Haig womenfolk live to be pretty long in tooth, while most men die young from bullet or knife wounds, still explosions, car wrecks or alcohol poisoning. My wife tells me the women enjoy long lives because us men folk check out early and aren’t around to aggravate ’em. 

“‘That could be true,’ I told her, ‘or maybe the women drive all us Haig men into early graves,’” Elijah chuckled.

“Well, I’ll say this much. If it were up to Haig females I’d have gone broke doctoring in this county years ago,” Doc replied. “Thanks to you Haig males, I’ve enjoyed a right prosperous practice stitching up wounds and pumping stomachs.”

“Well, I’m still here to aggravate you, Doc.”

“True, and you might live a bit longer if you stop drinking your own product and toss away that smelly pipe.”

“Doc, you done took me off all the good food I love so much. No more cornbread, mashed taters and red-eye gravy, no more bacon and fatback. Thanks to you, I barely touch our spring run liquor anymore. I still chase women but I ain’t been able to catch one in years. Ya gotta leave me at least one vice.”

“OK, Elijah. I can’t argue with that kind of logic,” Doc replied as he slipped on a rubber glove. Now comes the fun part, you old weasel, bend over and take a deep breath.”

“Doc, I didn’t carry this here twelve gauge in here simply for appearances. You can take off that glove ’cause we ain’t going there, you understand? My prostrate is jest fine as it is,” Elijah proclaimed. “One last thing, though. Now that we know Granny’s age and birth date, we’re planning a big 112th birthday party for her in September. All of Varmint County will be invited, but you’ll get a special invitation, being as how you’re the only doctor that Granny Haig has ever trusted.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Doc smiled. “Now, hold still while my nurse takes a little blood for the lab. I won’t feel I’ve earned my money today unless I find something wrong with you somewhere.”